What is Happiness?

When I was still a little girl, I get sick so easily. Just a little exposure at windy place, I would caught a flu. Too much oily fried food, and I would get sore throat. So, I really used to eat bland and plain food. I love chicken porridge so much and herb drinks like hot ginger and other chinese traditional drink. I love wearing long-sleeve t-shirt or sweaters and socks as like I live in North Europe. Taking medicine, going to doctor appointment, diagnosed with so many sickness are all my friends.

So, when I was little, my happiness is as simple as I get permission from my mother to eat Stik Balado. One of my favorite snacks of all the time. It feels so good especially to eat something that you don’t always get to eat everyday since it’s so unhealthy. You know how rare that ocassion to be able to eat any food you like without getting sick.

When you are just innocent child, you are so happy to see the museum for the first time. You are so excited to read another book. There are a lot of things to discover. I feel so happy to play around with my friends, with my neighbours. Those were times when you don’t have to worry about your assignments, your job. You just have to play, study, read, and waste your time.

But when you grow up, the definition of happines changes too. As I became a teenager, I forget how cool it was to play “Bentengan” during break time. There came the time when girls get her first period and then suddenly the hormone strikes in. I started to be that histerical teenage girl who worships Western boy bands. (Thank God I didn’t grow up to be a K-Poper --> sorry not sorry K-poper who read this).

You know how expensive it is to buy imported magazine? If I collected all the money I waste, maybe I could pay my tuition fee for a semester in college. And don’t forget all those useless merchandise that only became a dust now. All of the albums, the books, the additional albums, movies, etc that I impulsively bought?

But it was a good time. When my friend gave me a brand new One Direction album to me. When I saw them for the first time. When I get to listen to their music for the first time and I like it. When their music accompany my lifeless adolescent era. That’s my happiness. The adrenaline rush when I see their new music video. Or when I went to their concert (And I hate crowded place so much, so it’s like they have magic!”

And when I started high school, I see lots of my friends travel around the world. I consider myself is lucky to get the experience too. Since I little, I get to travel many places and it shaped me as someone who’s quite adaptable in new environment. I know how to plan, to react quick, to be indepedent. But, I admit that I become greedy to wonder new places. I get ambitious to see this world, especially I love to learn things. I’m thirsty of knowledge.

So my happiness that time counts when I can travel overseas, especially my favorite continent, Europe. I just love the architecture. If I had money, I would surely invest a small cottage in English countryside. So when I went to UK, my number one bucket list, it was like a dream comes true. I still remember how amazed I am with EVERYTHING in the country. I just wish to live there someday.

Now, I am a young adult. Soon to be graduated from college (I know I hasn’t even started my thesis yet, but still it’s getting closer!!!). I wonder why it’s hard to please me now. It’s not like I get depressed (maybe I am?). I lost the joy of simple happiness. Eating my favorite food feels like ordinary. When I go somewhere, no my jaw doesn’t drop like when I was little. When I got the latest album of my favorite band, no I don’t scream anymore. I don’t dance around.

I started to wonder, what makes me happy now?

I don’t even read so many books like I used to.

I don’t write as much as I do when I was little.

My creativity became dull. I become this rational girl who needs scientific evidence on everything.

Where did it go, the time when I hug my mother only for Stik Balado? Or scream at your friend because she bought you a brand new One Direction album? Or when you travel somehwhere new and you feel the butterfly in your stomach?

As I write this, I realized that happiness may change over time. Of course when you’re an adult, you don’t get excited when you watch new episode of Spongebob Squarepants. You find new interesting things when you grow up. You even found someone to love. Who make you happy.

I know that this period of time, people at my age are struggling to find their soulmate. The potential spouse to grow old with. I wish I found him too. But well, what can I do when I’m here, sitting alone at the crowded cafe, pouring myself in writing, listening to music, and doesn’t bother people’s business?

When I struggle (I still struggle though) with anxiety, everything I do feels like in vain. I don’t even get excited to go travel new country. I focus too hard on my anxiety, until it bothers me. I don’t concentrate at class. I feel like nobody cares me. I feel alone and I feel like there’s no bright future ahead me. I gain weight and it stressed me out. My GPA fluctuates and it stressed me.

But I learn to be grateful with the little things. It’s not wrong to dream big. I dream that someday I can travel around the world, to see, to learn, to feel the new things around me.

I dream of having my own novel. I dream of being a psychologist. I dream of helping people with mental health issues. I dream of living on my own place with my Pug. I dream of finding a loving husband who will love me for who I am.

It is important for us to appreciate things. You still can enjoy your food without worrying your money or health. You still have time to reconsinder your career path. You still have time to fix up your mistakes. You still have time to smile. To smell the pollution of Jakarta (just kidding I mean the ‘fresh air’). Appreciate your time with your loved ones. Appreciate your single-less drama life without someone trying to stop your dreams. It’s never too late to be grateful.

I learnt that you cannot rely on something (mostly MONEY) because it’s like independent variable. 
It changes every day depends on circumstances. Just like our childhood to teenagers to adulthood.

And no, you can’t rely on someone to. 
What if they’re gone? What if they turn out not to be as good as what you always thought to be?

I always thought having a significant other would change your life, but no.  

I’d rather be happy on my own independence than letting someone else guide me and change me to someone I won’t be able to recognise.

People are basically selfish creature whose intention is to make themselves happy.

But... then what makes us happy?

The answer turn out to be as simple as YOURSELF!

HAPPINESS IS YOUR CHOICE!

I choose to get up every morning despite my constant overthinking in my head.

I choose to laugh with friends over stupid things.

I choose to focus more on what’s going now. To live the moment.

I choose to accept flaws because nothing is perfect.

I choose to be less comparing myself with someone else’s life

I choose to be less grumpy because wow I have so many things to be thankful for

I choose to see the good things on being single rather than crying out begging someone to love you so that you can be in a relationship.

I guess that’s my definition of happiness.

To see the good things, to be grateful for what we have now.

Because each day has enough problem of its own.

Because life is just too short to hold grudges to someone else. To be mad. To be filled with so many negative emotions.

Choose wisely.

You are the one who controls your life. (Apart of God’s plan of course)

Enjoy your day!

Love,

NV