The Handmaid's Tale: A whole new world yet seems familiar

Well, during this difficult time... there's nothing better to do than sit, relax, and watch some movies. or shows. 

I have watched several shows this year like the famous sitcom How I Met Your Mother, the handsome devil Lucifer, a real-life family situation like Kim's Convenience,  and season 3 of The Crown.

I am actually pretty bored already with Netflix (also Prime, Prime Indonesia is just so not good). But then, I subscribed to Mola TV (the official Premier League broadcaster in Indonesia. The main reason why I paid for it) and it happens to include the HBO Go too. Like all famous HBO series from Big Little Lies, Game of Thrones, Chernobyl... and then I stumbled upon, The Handmaid's Tale.

I have always wanted to watch the show because they won so many awards. I was curious but It was only available on Hulu (which is only available in the US). So, well obviously I didn't really have the chance to watch it "legally".

I started the first episode and I was shocked. Like...

"What the hell is this?'

So messed up in many ways. Disgracing women. Dark. Tensed. 

One of the best pilot episode I have ever watched. 

Well, no I am not going to write an episode by episode. I am not going to spoil all the plot for those of you who have not watched it yet. The plot, as far as I watched from Season 1 to Season 2, they were good. Season 1 was sensational (the adaption from the original novel). Season 2 was a good season following the original story too. 

But I really want to discuss the moral, the characters, and the settings. 

First of all, let me say this... the reason I am so hooked up with this show how they manage to bring another world to see. You know like you're actually being in Gilead. Being the handmaids, and you get anxious too with the conditions, you feel angry that you're helpless, you are not being treated like a human being there. They don't care about your background, feelings, emotions, or well-being. Just do your job.

Especially, one thing that pissed me off was the fact that women were being treated poorly. With the extreme Christian view- how women should go back to serve their husbands, being at home, taking care of the family, and of course... breed. This is the opposite of gender-equality feminist are fighting for since back then. I mean, raise in the era of freedom (and democracy in Indonesia)... I am gutted. I can't imagine if I can't no longer dream. We can't even read or write. It would be devastating for me (who happened to love writing). Guys are ruling the world, they can hold guns, they can do whatever they want. They are not being forced to do something against their will. It is like seeing the world going backwards. 

Well, the setting in a dystopian world, the new country after the USA was tearing down. They built a new system, a new society. I am always a fan of dystopian. So, Handmaid's Tale really catches my eyes. The costumes were obviously gorgeous. The detail of colours. The weather somehow was almost always dark, cloudy, and cold like they were actually under cursed by God. So many guardians outside the door making sure they behave well. June's room was not equipped with no books at all. Just basic furniture like bed, desk, chair, closet. It looked pathetic for me. 

Let's take a look on the best part of the show. The characters:

Offred/June, the main protagonist of the show. Elizabeth Moss deserved that awards with her acting. She was really convincing, her eyes showed a lot of emotions, we as the audience can really empathize with her situation. Like we all want to help Offred run from Gilead. But, I was quite annoyed with the close-up shot we have to see for a couple of minutes. It makes me uncomfortable. She has that smug face to like she owns Gilead and doesn't give a fuck with the authorities. "I am special...", well yeah she is some remaining fertile women. But, remember where you are now, June.

NICK, well... personally I was obsessed with him. I think most of the fans do. His character is like the only good thing in Gilead. He was the only one who brings joy to Offred/June during her time at the Waterford's house. Somehow, June feels safe... feels like she has someone to rely on... when this new world is terrifying. He's like Offred's saviour. And the chemistry between the two of them is impeccable. I couldn't stop screaming if they had intimate moments. I couldn't stop smiling when they did something little sweet things like holding hands, giving each other's strength, or exchanging a glance. They found each other in this world. BUT, he is so mysterious that somehow makes you uneasy. But that side really is fun to be explored next season! The minus side of Nick was... he didn't talk much. I really want to slap him in the face, "Say, something dude!"

Serena Joy/Mrs Waterford, well she was the villain. The top villain. I personally feel she was worse than her husband. I could feel how she was really upset with the fact of she couldn't carry her own child. I couldn't imagine being her-witnessing your husband impregnated another woman in front of you. Well, she had a vicious past. She was the one who helped establish the rules, but she was the one also who felt that laws backfired to her. I feel like she was actually a strong ambitious woman, but made a wrong decision. She didn't actually want to be stuck at home and knitting. She was very complex, one day she befriended June, one day she was mean lady. 

Fred/ Mr Waterford. How do I describe him? I was frightened with him at first. But then, you know what happened between him and June. I felt more like... he was actually nice. He gave everything that June wanted. Even the stupid, risky ones. Like, so much love for the handmaid, right?  That's it. He was nice, manipulative, but well obviously what he had done with Gilead... was unforgivable. 

Aunt Lydia. I just instantly didn't like her the moment I saw her for the first time. It remained that way, until... she was actually being "nice" to June. Taking care of her, making sure she was treated well, even she defended June quite well in front of Waterfords. She was still a mystery that we wanted to know.

Ofglen/Ofjoseph/Emily. She was actually, someone I liked at the beginning. Like, she was the perfect ally for June. But then, she went off some troubles. I felt like she was being too impulsive with her actions. She wanted to get out? Well, she needed more than doing reckless things. I didn't like her.

Rita. She was quite neutral and the most obedient staff at the show. I was not sure to trust her or not. Sometimes she was nice, fun, helpful... but sometimes she was... quite, straight-forward. Well, I feel like we haven't seen the real her, yet. 

What I noticed about the characters- the reason I fell in love with the show- it was perfectly written for me. The balance between the virtues and flaws, they were so realistic. When you can hate the protagonist and empathize with the villain, that's how you know the writer did a good job. You can't expect someone being 100% evil, and someone being 100% pure. As a neutral side, you can feel their needs, their desire, their roles, their struggles, and how they all just trying to survive in that world. Just like all of us, trying to find our role in society, fit in, working so hard to hanging on, and maybe make some changes? They are human beings after all! Not superficial creatures. 

The characters may stand out the most. But the plot- was exceptional too. The audience was eager to see more and more of it. The writer didn't always give something we all want to see, instead, they put in little by little, to torture us, to make us wait, to finally get the climax of it, but then pulling it back, giving us more torture to watch! The roller-coaster of emotions. Audience giggled like teenagers when we see June and Nick together, but then felt so angry towards Aunt Lydia, Serena, or Fred. We cried. We were anxious with their fate. 

The settings as written above also build up the mood around Gilead. The harsh new reality- poking women's emotions. Bonus point with the costumes, the background music that always perfectly fit with each scene (adding more nervousness), and of course the perfect cast for each role. 

The Handmaid's tale indeed deserves the awards. They successfully bring a whole new world to us. Felt weird but somehow familiar. It's so addicted. I always love dystopian movies like Hunger Games or Divergent, but they were movies that were released once in a year for two hours maximum. So, we were only being exposed to that world for a brief of moment. It's quite different from Handmaid's Tale, obviously. Since there were 3 seasons so far, you can watch it whenever you want. You can watch it 3 seasons in a week. Or in my case, I finished two seasons in 6 days.

After that, my state of mind was pretty bad. I felt confused. I felt like I swallowed too many negative emotions. I felt like Gilead was so real and I lived there. I felt like this mundane life was so much better but Gilead could possibly happen in the future. I couldn't even sleep properly for a few days. I couldn't focus on my work. I was trying so hard to forget what I witnessed. The cruelty, the tension, and the sexual tension between June and Nick... WHO COULD RESIST THAT? Their love felt so real and understandable that you keep thinking about it. I am wondering day and night what is going to happen next with June? How is she going to end up? How Gilead will go down? Will there be more of Nick and Aunt Lydia's backstory?

I even decided to postpone watching Season 3 to stop the overthinking. But, today I might give up to resist the tempation. But, I am so heart-broken to hear that Nick was not going to feature a lot in Season 3. One of the reasons I keep watching... is not there. Will I enjoy Season 3 as much as the previous seasons?

Let's see!

S.O.S

Well, past me... if only you know...
Life is getting harder.

I don't know if it is just me or anyone feels time is passing by real quick day by day?
I really do feel time moved so slow when I was a kid.
Like school took ages.

I have theory that since the invention of social media, internet, and many many online platform... like NETFLIX or YOUTUBE that led us to be addicted with our smartphone or computes... it is easy to waster our time now... you watch 10 episodes with 20 mins per episode, you already spend 200 mins = 3 HOURS 20 MINUTES!!!
Now try to read a book for 3 HOURS! :)

But back to the topic, as you may know... our world suffers with the pandemic, coronavirus or COVID-19. It caught me off guard with how fast it is spreading to the entire world. While other people opening up the cases, meanwhile in Indonesia the government were chill, saying we are immune to viruses because of our "dirty" habits,

I really wish the world will be better and back to normal life. I don't know if this is how God trying to punish us humans for destroying earth... or we humans are so selfish that we ended up causing troubles. We still don't know yet. It's a mystery, that maybe revealed in the next few months. Or years. But this pandemic will change our history, our life in 2020s.

I really worry about this pandemic.
I remembered, I have been worrying about this kind of thing since I watched the movie, Contagion.
The movie was about swine flu. That movie really changed my life. I am turning into this hypochondriac who worries about my health.

I don't like touching other people, so it is a plus point for me.
I live in apartment, and I usually press the lift button with my elbow. You don't know how dirty the button is right...

BUT BUT BUT...
I don't really like washing my hands. I don't like being wet.
I like touching my face! Like scratching my eyes, touching my nose... it was automatic response

Moreover, I had a board game called Pandemic, it was one of the most fun board game based on its review, it was a Christmas gift from my brother-in law, I played it with my friends on New Year's Eve. Not even in our worst scenario, that the game was really going to happen for the next couple of months. It really affects me. How I accidentally predict the future.

Well, right now... I am sick. Almost a week by now, I'm getting better but my throat still not getting better. And believe me, it is not easy to be sick during this pandemic. I was really concern about my health because I had runny nose. And my anxiety goes worse because this real threat out there. I am self-isolating myself since Tuesday. I work at home. I minimize contact with everyone, even my Mum. I don't want people to get sick because of me. I went to the doctor, the other day because I felt scared, my chest hurts. And I thought I have allergy, but the doctor said I caught cold and sore throat.
Which by the way, the symptoms of COVID-19.

Seriously, this is the worst time to get sick.

I am trying so hard to cheer up my mind. I took a break from every single news about Coronavirus, it is really sickening to scroll your Instagram and you see Coronavirus on every post... like...

I watched funny videos, comedy, to boost my happiness.
I keep writing and writing to express my anxiety. Hope it works.
I keep in touch with my family and friends to give social support
And I pray to God, hoping for His mercy to us.

I am running out things to say. I am worry also about my lovely country Indonesia battling with this kind of situation. I don't really have strong faith with the government. I really afraid because most of Indonesians don't really care about hygiene. We like to do social gatherings. So, it is really not a great thing to do during this Pandemic. People don't care. People are CHILL. People despise the prevention order. Let's see how it will be going in Indonesia... with the reckless things we do.

Surely, this Pandemic will be in the history of mankind in the next generation.
People will talk about how scary it is... how people suddenly become OCD.
And how the economy probably will collapse.
2020 was really hard time for all over the world.

Future me, if you read this please tell me how will it end?

Sincerely,
Natasha

Gloomy Days

Just need to write quick.

It's been a long time since I write on this blog.

Well, again life is just full of ups and downs. 

Some day, you are so joyful...

Some day, you are so upset

Some day, you are terribly anxious

Some day, you want to explore the world

Some day, you want to inspire people

Some day, you just hate your existence in this world

It is so easy to say, "Cheer up"

"Don't be anxious"

"Be more confident"

"Oh come one you're just overreacting, you are just overthinking"

It feels so easy to say, "It's just a bad day not a bad life"

But, every night I have to bear the pain

I have to really screaming to myself, "What is wrong with you?"

Every time I feel discomfort, it's like my body reacts so badly

My mind tries to persuade me, "You do have a bad life, Natasha. What can you be proud of? You have nothing to be proud of"

And then my body would try to choke me, not letting me breathe.

All of the sudden, every joyful moments in my life is blocked.

I can't no longer access my own happiness.

It is just darkness that get left behind. 

Don't get me started, with how terribly lonely I am.

Every time, I was in the downside of my life

I don't think no one ever tries to genuinely care about me

But, when I want to open up...

I am so afraid to become their burden.

I am so afraid to disturb their peaceful life with my mess

And here I go, get stuck between stressing over something ridiculous, keep it to myself but not feeling great about it, but again not really want to disturb people around me

It is like the same old mistake I keep repeating over again

I thought I have managed it, I have finished it 

But again, I was just opening up an old wound

So this is how it feels to be hopeless.

Dear future me, tell me everything is going to be alright

And I'm going to the right direction

If it ever be the right ones...

So grateful that writing is always be my safe haven

Writing is always be my go-to place to just escape from reality

***

PS : Growing up is really suck

Love,

Natasha

Psychology : Yes or No? (LONG POST ALERT)

As you may know, I am a psychology student currently on my last year (HOPEFULLY) doing my undergraduate thesis (Yes it's a thing in Indonesia education system). So, basically just one step closer to graduate and acquire a Bachelor of Psychology.

On this rare occasion, I would like to write and give details about how it is to be a psychology student.This post is actually dedicated to you who wish to pursue degree in psychology. I would like to give a glimpse to what will you study and prospect career in psychology field. 

I've always wanted to study psychology since on ninth grade. Surprising? 

Yeah, I am a long-term planner. 

It actually began from school. My school has this period called "character formation" simply learning about ourselves. Imagine, being a teenager who has big body like an adult but mentally we are still kids. It's weird period of time indeed. So, I started notice how cool to study about humans. I really like to fill down that personality quiz (Even the silly one on Buzzfeed) and intelligence test known as IQ test (Yeah, I'm a weirdo). Probably that's where it started. I remember, I tried to google about psychology and found out that it's a field of study about human beings. 

So, when in high school, I know that I just need to pass every subjects. Graduated to get the certificate as a ticket to study psychology at uni. 

#FUNFACT 1
In Indonesia, the education system require you to choose to study social sciences (Economics, Geography, Sociology) or natural sciences (Biology, Physics, Chemistry). In my generation, we are obligated to choose a major on eleventh grade (Year 11). Students will study hard to get good grades during their time on tenth grade  so they can major in natural sciences.

#FUNFACT 2 

For those of you who don't familiar with this kind of thing, it's known that natural science students gain more benefits than social science students. They can major anything in uni because stereotypically, they are smarter than their fellow social science students. 

But, hell yeah I don't care, I've always known my strength is in social sciences. I know that in order to eligible majoring psychology, I can use my social science certificate. So, why study hard? Hahaha.

Okay, to conclude my journey on ended up in psychology, I always want to learn about humans. Personally, I know I have "gift" to mediate between two people who have conflicts, I am always be the friend who people are telling bad days about every night, and basically I am like a people's emotional trash can. 

My second option is actually studying literature but I have strong feeling to major in psychology..

So, I get accepted in 2015 as a psychology student in one of well-known universities in Jakarta. 

I am not going to explain the curriculum on my uni, but let's talk about psychology from now on.

Alert : I would talk about psychology in Indonesia's context. 

I thought it's going to be like all day taking personality quizzes, getting know about ourselves, and have fun listening to people's shit (YEAH IT'S FUN SOMETIMES, don't get me wrong), but it's quite a trap guys.

PSYCHOLOGY is a study of human behaviour. YES. BEHAVIOUR. 

Yeah, we don't read minds, read souls, or fortune-telling. THAT'S VERY BASIC THING to know before you enter this field. 

#FUNFACT 3
No, we don't simply diagnose people. "You are stupid, You have bipolar, You are not eligible to be the employee of this company, et cetera).
We observe, interview, gather data from research, or conduct a psychological test to verify their behaviour. Collecting the data about the person or subject known as ASSESSMENT . 

WE ALWAYS REQUIRED TO HAVE EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT OUR DIAGNOSIS.

It's pretty universal actually. 

Just like conducting a research. You write a hypothesis and in order to proof your hypothesis, you need to gather data, analyse it, and conclude something whether your hypothesis is rejected or accepted. 

QUESTION 1 - What it takes to be a psychology student?

In Indonesia, of course you have to get Ijazah SMA (IPA/IPS/Bahasa would do) but remember different uni have different requirement. If I'm not mistaken, Padjajaran University (UNPAD) only accept Ijazah SMA with natural science major (because they are more focus on biological psychology). But most of uni will accept students from social sciences. 

Yeah this is mostly the most important requirement HAHAHA.

You will also have to take some assessment. In my uni, I have to take english, math, intelligence test, and personality test. It's a little bit strict maybe because we will learn lots of mystery about human beings.

But, overall go finish your high school and being a good person is enough.

Brace yourself for another session of Maths, Biology, and Sociology!
But trust me psychology is none of like high school subjects. 

QUESTION 2 - Should psychology student have certain traits?

I would say YES. It would actually benefit you and help you to enjoy this course. 

1. Empathy. You need to have genuine feelings about people, to help people, and get to know them well.

2. Analytical. It is surprising yes. But, it's very important to be analytical because psychology turns out to be a field of study who has strong research-based. Maybe it's because psychology it's intangible unlike studying economics (you count the money), law (you know the laws written), or doctor (there's a biological support to see). But psychology... can you read people's mind? can you see mental illness? can you see intelligent? It's abstract. So, yeah it's a benefit for you if you like analysing stuffs.
BESIDES, we will try to diagnose people.

3. Have a good time-management. It's actually applied to all uni students. There will be shitloads to do. Lectures don't give a fuck if you have three deadlines that day. So yeah, you should know when to write down your papers, meet your friends/significant other, and SLEEP! As psychology student, it is important to manage your time mainly because there will be lots of papers to do, quizzes, interviewing people, and you need to focus when on counselling session, right? You don't want up all night and sleep-deprived to meet your client. You need to chill down a bit because it's emotionally draining to listen people all the time.

4. Patient - Oh, man. Listening to people's problem for straight 2 hours require some serious level of patience. Or meeting with loud children, stubborn adults, and demanding elders.

5. Knowledgeable and Open-Minded. As what I stated before, we study about humans. Humans are influenced by their biological status, psychological status, and culture. Humans are complex. So it's highly chance you will talk with a person who has the opposite values, cultures, and beliefs with you. You need to know a lot (At least the basic) of EVERYTHING. And it's very important to be open-minded because yeah not all people have same opinions or beliefs with you. You need to accept other human for who they are.
NO JUDGEMENT.

QUESTION 3 - What will I study on Psychology?

It's not always about counselling, taking psychological test, or judging people.
We study a lot of things.

Like any other sciences, Psychology also have branches. Four major psychology branches (as taught in my uni) are :

Clinical - A branch of psychology that studies about mental health (diagnose, assessing, and analysing) including theories of personality, abnormal psychology, biological psychology (it's quite daunting as if you are a medical student), neuropsychology (mind-blowing subject), counselling, health psychology, and conducting psychological test
Educational - A branch of psychology that focus on education (Yeah this doesn't help, isn't it). Well, basically you will learn about children like special needs children or gifted children, developmental psychology, and conditioning (how people's learn a behaviour).
Occupational (Industry/Organisation)  - A branch of psychology that studying about people in their work environment including recruiting employees. do some trainings,
Social - A branch of psychology that studies about human and it's society they live in. They see human as broad term, how environment influences us, such thing.

Other major subjects in psychology include
Statistic - Oh you wish you would ran away from math but you just can't. YES we do learn how to analyse data, calculate them (with SPSS usually), and interpret the data.
Research - Like I said, psychology is heavily influenced by research. We are a field of study who need recognition by providing empirical evidence.
Assessment Methods - Whether is how to interview people assertively, observing skills, counselling, conducting psychological test and how to score it.
Psychometric - This is when psychology crossover with Math. What is about? I can't even explain.
It's basically the math version of psychology.
Ethics - Learn about what the professional codes of psychology world. Confidentiality, Act of Consent, Transference between Client and Psychologist, etc.

The rest actually are minor and depends on your university. Like in my uni, there is experimental psychology (yes psychology do lab research too), and specific kind of psychology like art, sexuality, market research, women psychology, child abuse, etc.

NOTE :
Undergraduate psychology mainly focus on the concepts, theories, and introduction about psychology. You will learn and get used to any psychological terms. You will learn how to conduct research, collecting data (by interviewing people, observing people, and do some tests).
But it's really just the surface which I will further discuss on next question.
YOU CAN'T INTERPRET TEST RESULT, DIAGNOSING PEOPLE WITH MENTAL DISORDERS, OR GIVING ADVICE TO PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS. Funny, ey?
We are not qualified to do that. Yet. 

QUESTION 4 - What to expect after I graduated?

Well, you are not going to be a psychologist after you graduated. You will only earn bachelor's degree. This happen in other countries as well.

So, what can you do with bachelor of psychology?

You can work in companies as Human Resource Development whether is conducting psychological test, do some training to new employees, payroll, etc.
You can work as teacher, school counselor, basically educator.
You can work as psychologist assistant.
You can work in any social organisation or foundation (Lembaga Swadaya Masyarakat)

To be honest, you can work in any field because psychology is a really useful knowledge.

DON'T ASK ME, I'M STILL CLUELESS TOO ABOUT WHAT TO DO IN THE FUTURE

QUESTION 5 - SO, HOW TO BE A PSYCHOLOGIST?

In Indonesia, you need to earn master's degree (S2) titled M.Psi (Master Psikologi) to acquire official licensed as psychologist. So you need to study 2 years more.
In UK/USA, what I know is you need to earn doctoral's degree (S3) such as PhD or DClinPsy. It would take 4-5 years more.

YEAH, I TOLD YOU IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG JOURNEY.
So, brace yourself!

I think it's really important to study more as psychologist because human beings are really complicated. And you need good knowledge to be able to diagnose them.
So if you want to study further, have thirst of knowledge, and ready to settle down in psychology, go beyond undergraduate!


So, have I answered all of your question about psychology?

Studying psychology is not easy as many people say. "Oh you just need to sit down and read people's mind". OH HELL NO. WE NEED TO SIT DOWN, SEE WHAT IS INTANGIBLE TO SEE, MAKING SENSE OF IT, AND FIND EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT OUR JUDGEMENT.
I BET THAT'S EASY!

But, seriously. You will learn a lot of new things that never been taught in school before. You will learn a lot about understanding other people. You have this automatic skill to relate with other people's emotion, feeling, and thought. You will meet many many new people. You will be more open with current affairs, other beliefs, and accepting people more! So it's really great.

I am not regretting my time here as psychology student.

It's tough, it's stressful, it's nerve-wrecking but it's worth it.

Still have some question regarding psychology?
Comment down below and I will answer!

Hope this will strengthen your desire to study psychology or the opposite? :)
You will have a good time!!!

Love,
Natasha who pursuing her bachelor's degree

What is Happiness?

When I was still a little girl, I get sick so easily. Just a little exposure at windy place, I would caught a flu. Too much oily fried food, and I would get sore throat. So, I really used to eat bland and plain food. I love chicken porridge so much and herb drinks like hot ginger and other chinese traditional drink. I love wearing long-sleeve t-shirt or sweaters and socks as like I live in North Europe. Taking medicine, going to doctor appointment, diagnosed with so many sickness are all my friends.

So, when I was little, my happiness is as simple as I get permission from my mother to eat Stik Balado. One of my favorite snacks of all the time. It feels so good especially to eat something that you don’t always get to eat everyday since it’s so unhealthy. You know how rare that ocassion to be able to eat any food you like without getting sick.

When you are just innocent child, you are so happy to see the museum for the first time. You are so excited to read another book. There are a lot of things to discover. I feel so happy to play around with my friends, with my neighbours. Those were times when you don’t have to worry about your assignments, your job. You just have to play, study, read, and waste your time.

But when you grow up, the definition of happines changes too. As I became a teenager, I forget how cool it was to play “Bentengan” during break time. There came the time when girls get her first period and then suddenly the hormone strikes in. I started to be that histerical teenage girl who worships Western boy bands. (Thank God I didn’t grow up to be a K-Poper --> sorry not sorry K-poper who read this).

You know how expensive it is to buy imported magazine? If I collected all the money I waste, maybe I could pay my tuition fee for a semester in college. And don’t forget all those useless merchandise that only became a dust now. All of the albums, the books, the additional albums, movies, etc that I impulsively bought?

But it was a good time. When my friend gave me a brand new One Direction album to me. When I saw them for the first time. When I get to listen to their music for the first time and I like it. When their music accompany my lifeless adolescent era. That’s my happiness. The adrenaline rush when I see their new music video. Or when I went to their concert (And I hate crowded place so much, so it’s like they have magic!”

And when I started high school, I see lots of my friends travel around the world. I consider myself is lucky to get the experience too. Since I little, I get to travel many places and it shaped me as someone who’s quite adaptable in new environment. I know how to plan, to react quick, to be indepedent. But, I admit that I become greedy to wonder new places. I get ambitious to see this world, especially I love to learn things. I’m thirsty of knowledge.

So my happiness that time counts when I can travel overseas, especially my favorite continent, Europe. I just love the architecture. If I had money, I would surely invest a small cottage in English countryside. So when I went to UK, my number one bucket list, it was like a dream comes true. I still remember how amazed I am with EVERYTHING in the country. I just wish to live there someday.

Now, I am a young adult. Soon to be graduated from college (I know I hasn’t even started my thesis yet, but still it’s getting closer!!!). I wonder why it’s hard to please me now. It’s not like I get depressed (maybe I am?). I lost the joy of simple happiness. Eating my favorite food feels like ordinary. When I go somewhere, no my jaw doesn’t drop like when I was little. When I got the latest album of my favorite band, no I don’t scream anymore. I don’t dance around.

I started to wonder, what makes me happy now?

I don’t even read so many books like I used to.

I don’t write as much as I do when I was little.

My creativity became dull. I become this rational girl who needs scientific evidence on everything.

Where did it go, the time when I hug my mother only for Stik Balado? Or scream at your friend because she bought you a brand new One Direction album? Or when you travel somehwhere new and you feel the butterfly in your stomach?

As I write this, I realized that happiness may change over time. Of course when you’re an adult, you don’t get excited when you watch new episode of Spongebob Squarepants. You find new interesting things when you grow up. You even found someone to love. Who make you happy.

I know that this period of time, people at my age are struggling to find their soulmate. The potential spouse to grow old with. I wish I found him too. But well, what can I do when I’m here, sitting alone at the crowded cafe, pouring myself in writing, listening to music, and doesn’t bother people’s business?

When I struggle (I still struggle though) with anxiety, everything I do feels like in vain. I don’t even get excited to go travel new country. I focus too hard on my anxiety, until it bothers me. I don’t concentrate at class. I feel like nobody cares me. I feel alone and I feel like there’s no bright future ahead me. I gain weight and it stressed me out. My GPA fluctuates and it stressed me.

But I learn to be grateful with the little things. It’s not wrong to dream big. I dream that someday I can travel around the world, to see, to learn, to feel the new things around me.

I dream of having my own novel. I dream of being a psychologist. I dream of helping people with mental health issues. I dream of living on my own place with my Pug. I dream of finding a loving husband who will love me for who I am.

It is important for us to appreciate things. You still can enjoy your food without worrying your money or health. You still have time to reconsinder your career path. You still have time to fix up your mistakes. You still have time to smile. To smell the pollution of Jakarta (just kidding I mean the ‘fresh air’). Appreciate your time with your loved ones. Appreciate your single-less drama life without someone trying to stop your dreams. It’s never too late to be grateful.

I learnt that you cannot rely on something (mostly MONEY) because it’s like independent variable. 
It changes every day depends on circumstances. Just like our childhood to teenagers to adulthood.

And no, you can’t rely on someone to. 
What if they’re gone? What if they turn out not to be as good as what you always thought to be?

I always thought having a significant other would change your life, but no.  

I’d rather be happy on my own independence than letting someone else guide me and change me to someone I won’t be able to recognise.

People are basically selfish creature whose intention is to make themselves happy.

But... then what makes us happy?

The answer turn out to be as simple as YOURSELF!

HAPPINESS IS YOUR CHOICE!

I choose to get up every morning despite my constant overthinking in my head.

I choose to laugh with friends over stupid things.

I choose to focus more on what’s going now. To live the moment.

I choose to accept flaws because nothing is perfect.

I choose to be less comparing myself with someone else’s life

I choose to be less grumpy because wow I have so many things to be thankful for

I choose to see the good things on being single rather than crying out begging someone to love you so that you can be in a relationship.

I guess that’s my definition of happiness.

To see the good things, to be grateful for what we have now.

Because each day has enough problem of its own.

Because life is just too short to hold grudges to someone else. To be mad. To be filled with so many negative emotions.

Choose wisely.

You are the one who controls your life. (Apart of God’s plan of course)

Enjoy your day!

Love,

NV