It's been a long time since I write on this blog.
Well, again life is just full of ups and downs.
Some day, you are so joyful...
Some day, you are so upset
Some day, you are terribly anxious
Some day, you want to explore the world
Some day, you want to inspire people
Some day, you just hate your existence in this world
It is so easy to say, "Cheer up"
"Don't be anxious"
"Be more confident"
"Oh come one you're just overreacting, you are just overthinking"
It feels so easy to say, "It's just a bad day not a bad life"
But, every night I have to bear the pain
I have to really screaming to myself, "What is wrong with you?"
Every time I feel discomfort, it's like my body reacts so badly
My mind tries to persuade me, "You do have a bad life, Natasha. What can you be proud of? You have nothing to be proud of"
And then my body would try to choke me, not letting me breathe.
All of the sudden, every joyful moments in my life is blocked.
I can't no longer access my own happiness.
It is just darkness that get left behind.
Don't get me started, with how terribly lonely I am.
Every time, I was in the downside of my life
I don't think no one ever tries to genuinely care about me
But, when I want to open up...
I am so afraid to become their burden.
I am so afraid to disturb their peaceful life with my mess
And here I go, get stuck between stressing over something ridiculous, keep it to myself but not feeling great about it, but again not really want to disturb people around me
It is like the same old mistake I keep repeating over again
I thought I have managed it, I have finished it
But again, I was just opening up an old wound
So this is how it feels to be hopeless.
Dear future me, tell me everything is going to be alright
And I'm going to the right direction
If it ever be the right ones...
So grateful that writing is always be my safe haven
Writing is always be my go-to place to just escape from reality
***
PS : Growing up is really suck
Love,
Natasha
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