S.O.S

Well, past me... if only you know...
Life is getting harder.

I don't know if it is just me or anyone feels time is passing by real quick day by day?
I really do feel time moved so slow when I was a kid.
Like school took ages.

I have theory that since the invention of social media, internet, and many many online platform... like NETFLIX or YOUTUBE that led us to be addicted with our smartphone or computes... it is easy to waster our time now... you watch 10 episodes with 20 mins per episode, you already spend 200 mins = 3 HOURS 20 MINUTES!!!
Now try to read a book for 3 HOURS! :)

But back to the topic, as you may know... our world suffers with the pandemic, coronavirus or COVID-19. It caught me off guard with how fast it is spreading to the entire world. While other people opening up the cases, meanwhile in Indonesia the government were chill, saying we are immune to viruses because of our "dirty" habits,

I really wish the world will be better and back to normal life. I don't know if this is how God trying to punish us humans for destroying earth... or we humans are so selfish that we ended up causing troubles. We still don't know yet. It's a mystery, that maybe revealed in the next few months. Or years. But this pandemic will change our history, our life in 2020s.

I really worry about this pandemic.
I remembered, I have been worrying about this kind of thing since I watched the movie, Contagion.
The movie was about swine flu. That movie really changed my life. I am turning into this hypochondriac who worries about my health.

I don't like touching other people, so it is a plus point for me.
I live in apartment, and I usually press the lift button with my elbow. You don't know how dirty the button is right...

BUT BUT BUT...
I don't really like washing my hands. I don't like being wet.
I like touching my face! Like scratching my eyes, touching my nose... it was automatic response

Moreover, I had a board game called Pandemic, it was one of the most fun board game based on its review, it was a Christmas gift from my brother-in law, I played it with my friends on New Year's Eve. Not even in our worst scenario, that the game was really going to happen for the next couple of months. It really affects me. How I accidentally predict the future.

Well, right now... I am sick. Almost a week by now, I'm getting better but my throat still not getting better. And believe me, it is not easy to be sick during this pandemic. I was really concern about my health because I had runny nose. And my anxiety goes worse because this real threat out there. I am self-isolating myself since Tuesday. I work at home. I minimize contact with everyone, even my Mum. I don't want people to get sick because of me. I went to the doctor, the other day because I felt scared, my chest hurts. And I thought I have allergy, but the doctor said I caught cold and sore throat.
Which by the way, the symptoms of COVID-19.

Seriously, this is the worst time to get sick.

I am trying so hard to cheer up my mind. I took a break from every single news about Coronavirus, it is really sickening to scroll your Instagram and you see Coronavirus on every post... like...

I watched funny videos, comedy, to boost my happiness.
I keep writing and writing to express my anxiety. Hope it works.
I keep in touch with my family and friends to give social support
And I pray to God, hoping for His mercy to us.

I am running out things to say. I am worry also about my lovely country Indonesia battling with this kind of situation. I don't really have strong faith with the government. I really afraid because most of Indonesians don't really care about hygiene. We like to do social gatherings. So, it is really not a great thing to do during this Pandemic. People don't care. People are CHILL. People despise the prevention order. Let's see how it will be going in Indonesia... with the reckless things we do.

Surely, this Pandemic will be in the history of mankind in the next generation.
People will talk about how scary it is... how people suddenly become OCD.
And how the economy probably will collapse.
2020 was really hard time for all over the world.

Future me, if you read this please tell me how will it end?

Sincerely,
Natasha

Gloomy Days

Just need to write quick.

It's been a long time since I write on this blog.

Well, again life is just full of ups and downs. 

Some day, you are so joyful...

Some day, you are so upset

Some day, you are terribly anxious

Some day, you want to explore the world

Some day, you want to inspire people

Some day, you just hate your existence in this world

It is so easy to say, "Cheer up"

"Don't be anxious"

"Be more confident"

"Oh come one you're just overreacting, you are just overthinking"

It feels so easy to say, "It's just a bad day not a bad life"

But, every night I have to bear the pain

I have to really screaming to myself, "What is wrong with you?"

Every time I feel discomfort, it's like my body reacts so badly

My mind tries to persuade me, "You do have a bad life, Natasha. What can you be proud of? You have nothing to be proud of"

And then my body would try to choke me, not letting me breathe.

All of the sudden, every joyful moments in my life is blocked.

I can't no longer access my own happiness.

It is just darkness that get left behind. 

Don't get me started, with how terribly lonely I am.

Every time, I was in the downside of my life

I don't think no one ever tries to genuinely care about me

But, when I want to open up...

I am so afraid to become their burden.

I am so afraid to disturb their peaceful life with my mess

And here I go, get stuck between stressing over something ridiculous, keep it to myself but not feeling great about it, but again not really want to disturb people around me

It is like the same old mistake I keep repeating over again

I thought I have managed it, I have finished it 

But again, I was just opening up an old wound

So this is how it feels to be hopeless.

Dear future me, tell me everything is going to be alright

And I'm going to the right direction

If it ever be the right ones...

So grateful that writing is always be my safe haven

Writing is always be my go-to place to just escape from reality

***

PS : Growing up is really suck

Love,

Natasha